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Jokes!!
Apr 7, 2008 22:59:25 GMT -5
Post by Lillian Vanderdark on Apr 7, 2008 22:59:25 GMT -5
Who doesn't enjoy them! Let em all go here, the good, the bad, the ugly and the ones that just might get you smacked. Here is one that I found that you sick bastards might enjoy.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out, he heard clear as a bell, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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Jokes!!
Apr 7, 2008 23:03:40 GMT -5
Post by Rune Morose on Apr 7, 2008 23:03:40 GMT -5
^I think we may have solved our security problem. RABID, STARVED GUARD DOGS
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Jokes!!
Apr 7, 2008 23:06:50 GMT -5
Post by Rune Morose on Apr 7, 2008 23:06:50 GMT -5
Oh, and here's my joke, which I'm sure many of you have heard from me before:
A couple are having their first child. The wife is in labor, her husband leaning over her, holding her hand. The doctor is coaching her through the process, sweating and concentrating.
Finally, after hours of labor, the baby is born. The doctor rises, holding the newborn in his arms as the couple looks on in absolute wonder and happiness.
Suddenly, the doctor takes the baby by one leg, rears back, and throws it against the far wall. The couple is frozen in terror as the doctor retrieves the fallen child, picks it up off the floor, and throws it into the opposite wall.
Finally, as the couple is ready to break down into hysterics, the doctor picks up what is left of the baby, smiles, and says,
"I'm just fuckin' with ya, it was already dead."
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nipahem
Condemed
Thou who layeth dead but ever dreameth.
Posts: 52
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Jokes!!
Apr 8, 2008 12:18:44 GMT -5
Post by nipahem on Apr 8, 2008 12:18:44 GMT -5
Not my favorite, but a good one.
A baby boy is born without any eyelids. His mother asks the doctor what they can do for him. So the doctor says that when they circumsize him they will take the extra skin and make him some lids.
After the operation, the doctor hands the child to the waiting mother.
"Will he be okay?" she asks..
"Yeah, a little cock eyed but that's about it"
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Jokes!!
Apr 8, 2008 14:20:11 GMT -5
Post by cak666 on Apr 8, 2008 14:20:11 GMT -5
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Jokes!!
Apr 8, 2008 16:08:59 GMT -5
Post by mirrorgirljen on Apr 8, 2008 16:08:59 GMT -5
Ahaha nice.
I wish I had good jokes...
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Jokes!!
Apr 8, 2008 16:15:28 GMT -5
Post by Pongo on Apr 8, 2008 16:15:28 GMT -5
I've got one.
A baby seal walks into a club.
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nipahem
Condemed
Thou who layeth dead but ever dreameth.
Posts: 52
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Jokes!!
Apr 8, 2008 16:41:36 GMT -5
Post by nipahem on Apr 8, 2008 16:41:36 GMT -5
^ short but good
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Jokes!!
Apr 8, 2008 16:43:50 GMT -5
Post by Pongo on Apr 8, 2008 16:43:50 GMT -5
That's what she said.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SNAP!!!
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nipahem
Condemed
Thou who layeth dead but ever dreameth.
Posts: 52
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Jokes!!
Apr 8, 2008 16:50:18 GMT -5
Post by nipahem on Apr 8, 2008 16:50:18 GMT -5
It ain't the size that counts....It's what you do with it.
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Jokes!!
Apr 9, 2008 13:45:00 GMT -5
Post by morguemistress on Apr 9, 2008 13:45:00 GMT -5
A guy went out partying one night and got really drunk on Jose' Quervo and Goldschlager. After he was able to walk to the bathroom the next morning, he looked in the toilet and yelled out "Holy shit, todays my lucky day!!" He had just shit a peso. lol ;D
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Jokes!!
Apr 10, 2008 11:25:59 GMT -5
Post by Warren on Apr 10, 2008 11:25:59 GMT -5
An Irishman walks into the local pub, carrying a small basket under his arm. He walks up to the bar and sets the basket down in front of him, saying, "A bottle of your finest whiskey Clancy! Today's me son's 16th birthday and I want him to have his first proper drink!"
"Mercy sakes Sean, "said the bartender, "I never knew ya even had a son! Where is the lad?"
Looking down at the basket and lowering his voice a bit, Sean said, "Well, truth is, the lad was born, well, DIFFERENT, if you know my meanin', but his mother an' me love him all the same." and with that, he reached into the basket and pulled out a head and carefully set it on the bar. The head looked at the shocked Clancy, blinked its eyes and smiled.
"Well I'll be!" said Clancy, pouring a shot of whiskey and setting it in front of the head. Sean picked up the shot glass and held it to his son's lips and as he took a sip, a miracle occurred...a strong neck and two broad shoulders suddenly sprouted beneath the head. "Saints preserve us! It's a miracle! Quick, pour him another!", exclaimed Sean.
Round after round of whiskey was poured and soon there stood before the excited throng at the pub a healthy, strapping 16 year-old boy. A great celebration was held which lasted well into the morning, with numerous rounds of toasts given to Sean and the miraculous event that had happened.
Tragically, as Sean and his son were heading home, the drunken boy fell off their horsecart and was run over. At the wake later that week, everyone agreed that the lad should've quit while he was ahead...
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nipahem
Condemed
Thou who layeth dead but ever dreameth.
Posts: 52
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Jokes!!
Apr 11, 2008 11:40:44 GMT -5
Post by nipahem on Apr 11, 2008 11:40:44 GMT -5
A man is walking to the local corner store next to the river. As he gets closer he sees a young women in a wheelchair without any arms or legs. The woman is crying so he asks whats wrong.
"I've never been kissed!" she admits.
Feeling sorry for her the man gives her a quick kiss before entering the store. When he comes back out he sees the woman crying again. He asks her whats wrong now.
"I've never been fucked!" she sobs.
The man scoops her up and throws her into the river.
"There! Now you're fucked."
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Jokes!!
Sept 8, 2008 13:31:56 GMT -5
Post by wowposter on Sept 8, 2008 13:31:56 GMT -5
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